What To Tell Your Kids About Sex?

FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK

Humor & Satire by Asta Dido

 Oh, here it comes again—the  “S” word as in Shhhudder at the thought of having to deal with having to educate you own children about how they get here, how they got here and not telling them about the why they came or about the coming! Maybe some Sex Ed course in school will tell them all about the coming in graphic detail  or at least show your kids a movie. And, your wifie, she knows the real “why!” She knows the super top secret. Remember about that little pill she told you she took—not! Woman have that very special mind that remembers every single and minute detail down to the hangnail you had that got caught in her bra strap and the magic hinge, the clip you never did figure out! Yep, she made you think you opened the door to heavenly delights presto shazamo. She  secretly engineered  an opened view and made things accessible—you were snookered! To her delight she made you think ‘look what I did; what a good boy am I” and Junior and Jane are the end result. Women are the supreme masters of deception and  minders of the minuscule. You, on the other hand, were on the goal line and you fumbled and she scored! Tell that to your kiddies or block it out now and think about the miserable Jets.

 But as a hubbie you are so sure you know that you never have to think about subject even under the threat of torture. You don’t want to tell your kids about the “birds and the bras!” Even when you start to think of how much fun it was you fall asleep on the sofa and that’s how it should be, after all ich bin ein male!!! You are absatively certain that when baby Jessicca asks her mother “mommie, where did I come from?” she will never, never say “go ask your father!” She knows that if she did that the earth would stop in its rotation and the sun would orbit the planet and the stars—woosh into the next Ice Age; feel the chill and forget about global warming!

 How were our parents and grand parents as kids told or not told about sex. Well, my Sicilian grandfather had to actually kidnap my grandmother and then had to marry her for both their families honor. When the policia came for him he was arrested and tortured by having every single hair pulled from his body. He escaped, hid under grandma’s bed and caught the first boat to America and worked his hairless butt off to earn enough to send for his bride and first born. When my mother came of age it wasn’t in Samoa, it was in “Brookalina, N.Y.” and she was not allowed to be alone with my father for one second. Once she smiled at Dad across the dinner table and caught a slap from Grandpa that rushed her headlong  into marriage. Momma told me that grandpa once pinched her arms black and blue for wearing a short sleeved smock to serve dinner.

 Hey our grandparents, German, Italian, Spanish, Irish and English (oh, maybe not the English—sorry Old Chap) were tough with their kids. So what to do when your child wants to know the facts of life? Funny You Should Ask…          

 Just buy the kid a computer and tell them to go on the internet when you’re not looking!!!

 

 

PS, If you can’t laugh at yourself everyone else will.

 

Asta Dido is the Pen Name of Sam DiBernardo, Candidate for The New York City Council, District 32 Queens, NY